A Writer’s Epiphany – Jill Jepson

Epiphanies come in all sorts of ways. A chance comment from a stranger shifts your view of the world. You see an item on the news and a light goes on in your brain. You recognize yourself in the characters of a book or movie and realize something new about your life. And then there’s the epiphany you have while chatting with a friend over white wine and hors d’oeuvres at your university’s new-faculty reception the week before classes start. That was the type I had last week.There I was, chatting with my colleague, the beautiful and brilliant performance artist Gabrielle Civil, admiring the manuscript she had with her and reflecting on the perils of publishing, when she asked me about my novel. “Coming along,” I said. “Almost finished.” I wasn’t admitting that I hadn’t looked at it all month, that I was coming up with excuses for not working on it. “Just a little revision, and it’ll be good to go.”

“No, not that one,” Gabrielle said. “The other novel. The one I heard you read from. What was it? Six years ago now? It was very good.”

I took a moment to soak up the praise—do you know a writer who doesn’t savor a good compliment?—and also to figure out what I should admit about that other novel. That it was finished years ago? That I had sent it to exactly one agent? That I’d let it sit unread, untouched, and unsubmitted for half a decade. And here’s the worst of it: That it’s only one of a series of books I’ve written, revised, edited, and then hidden away in the dark recesses of some hard drive?

Some writers keep coming up with great ideas but don’t put them down on paper. Others start book after book and never finish. Some get blocked half-way through, and I’ve known two who actually destroyed nearly-finished work. I’m none of those. I am, I realized as I stood talking to Gabrielle with a glass of wine in one hand and a bruschetta in the other, a non-submitter.

Now, on the positive side, I do have three books published, so it’s not like I never submit anything. My case of Non Submission Syndrome apparently affects certain works and not others. But still.

The irony is that I’ve coached dozens of writers out of various types of blocks. I’ve helped writers figure out how to take fifteen boxes of disorganized notes and turn them into a memoir. How to shake off a decade of disappointments and recharge their love of writing. How to overcome the fear of exposure, the fear of failure, the fear of success, and the fear of fear. I’m just a lot better at helping others than I am at helping myself.

I left the reception with a changed view of my writing life. I went straight to my computer and got to work. I set up a schedule for finishing my current novel—a young-adult fantasy—with the goal of getting it to an editor by the end of the month. And then, it’s back to the work moldering away in the underground warehouses of my writing life.

When one of my clients, disheartened by rejections, was hesitating to start a new book, she asked me, “But what if it takes years to write and then doesn’t get published?” “It might happen,” I told her, since I believe in being honest with my clients. “But you can absolutely guarantee it doesn’t get published if you don’t write it.” Today, I said the same thing to myself, with a slight change. How can I guarantee my work doesn’t get published? If I don’t submit it.

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