The Dangers of "Shoulds" in the Writing Life

Concepts and “Shoulds”

“To fulfill our concepts we’ll ruin families, nations, anything,” writes Charlotte Joko Beck  in Everyday Zen. “All wars are based on concepts, some ideology that a nation says is the Truth.”A concept is a mental image of the way we believe things should be.To use one of Beck’s examples, “The kitchen must be clean” is a concept. There is nothing wrong with concepts—or with clean kitchens—as long as we realize they are merely ideas.

Unfortunately, we often forget that. We start seeing our concepts as Truth. As Beck puts it, we starting thinking: “Kitchens should be clean. It’s bad if kitchens are not clean.” It’s when concepts become “shoulds” that we get into trouble.

Becoming aware of “Shoulds”

Being aware of the concepts that are guiding our lives—and continually reminding ourselves that they are not Truth—is one of the most useful things we can do for ourselves. It is great if we exercise everyday, always get to work on time, get perfect grades, do superior work, always handle our children with wisdom and kindness, and mow our lawns without fail. But the moment these concepts become “shoulds,” they start manipulating our lives.

We begin thinking we aren’t complete or acceptable if we can’t live up to them. We bully and berate ourselves when we don’t. When our concepts become “shoulds,” they turn into tyrants and tormenters.

“Shoulds” in the Writers’ Life

Writers’ lives tend to be crammed with concepts, and far too often those concepts become “shoulds” that continually push us around, tell us we’re not up to snuff, and make us miserable. Just a few I hear from clients (and have dealt with in my own life) are:

Real writers get published.

Real writers make money from their writing.

Real writers write every day.

I must write 1,000 words every morning.

I must have an agent or else I’m a failure.

I must publish at least 5 stories this year.

Writing a work that doesn’t get published is a waste of time.

Good writers are [rich, successful, famous, published, award-winning, all of the above].

The Dangers of “Shoulds” for Writers

It’s easy to imagine that these concepts might be positive forces in the writer’s life. If we think, “Real writers publish,” that will motivate us, right? Unfortunately, that’s not the way it works. In fact, “shoulds” create a lot of damage in our lives. Here are a few of the problems with them:

1. They are untrue. As writers, our first priority should be truth, and all of the above statements are simply not true. There is no law that says you must publish a certain amount or write a particular number of words per day. Publishing, making money, or having an agent may give a writer external validation, but they don’t make him or her a “real” writer. A real writer writes. Period.

2. They undercut our own worth as writers. The minute we don’t live up to them, we tell ourselves we are not enough. The moment we feel we aren’t enough, our ability to create is diminished.

3. They are discouraging, not encouraging. They tell us what we aren’t rather than what we are. They undercut confidence.

4. They put our focus on the wrong things. As writers, our focus should be on one thing: writing with utter truth, authenticity, courage, and skill. That other stuff—“I must write 1,000 words every morning” or “Real writers get published”—shifts our attention away from that essential task that lies at the center of our mission.

So, what can we do about concepts that have become “shoulds”?

It’s fairly easy to see the damage “shoulds” create in the writing life. It’s a little harder to know what to do about them. Still, there are some steps you can take to eliminate shoulds. On Friday, I’ll be posting some of the concrete and simple things you can do to transform the “shoulds” in your writing life.